Monday, October 19, 2015

My Green Eyed Monster

After making a quick scroll in Facebook, I had fallen prey to the egoism of social media...
Succumbing to the jealously that arise from looking at what fame or fortune can do to people. 
Looking at my friends being chic, enjoying life, or achieving something, I felt myself envying their success. 
Looking back at myself and what I'm doing, I felt the pang of helplessness. 
I too,  wish for so much more in life, but it seems so far fetch still... 

To think of it from another point of  view, I have yet to actually do something for myself. 
Yet to make changes drastic enough for any observable improvement. 
I need to keep going, keep moving...
But, to where? 
That's the ultimate question. 

I guess that's life. 
You'll never know if you're doing the "right" thing for yourself until you explore everything. 
Here I am, exploring my options. 
At times I do stray, lured away by my green eyed monster... 
Them telling me that it's easier to just start afresh or start somewhere new. 
I've given myself some time to try out this particular path. 
And I do plan to stick to it for a while. 
Well, if all things do go wrong, at least I lived to say I've tried. 

To be honest, I'm actually quite contented with my current life. 
This lifestyle is just nice, towards my comfort, but it has its ups and downs. 
I wonder if I am able to get through this life for another 3/5 years. 
I wish I can do so much more in life. 
Make a name for myself, be somebody... 
I guess I'll have to leave that to fate to decide when it'll happen. 

Well I guess that's what I call the mid twenties crisis 
Now that I'm in this particular age, I can't help remembering the last time I met with a dear friend of mine, huiyin. 
She told me the same thing, that she was facing this dilemma in her work. 
But to me, she was very positive in her outlook of life, very strong in keeping to her dreams. 
Sometimes, I do wish I have a foreseeable dream. '
Maybe being 'cincai' is not a good thing too. 

All in all, I hope this nagging feeling does leave me eventually. 
Hopefully, I can be way more than what I am now. 
I imagine myself, doing stuff that actually impact and inspire. 
I need that day to come to me, sooner or later. 
-end of rant-

Signing off